Monday, May 20, 2013

Being chronically ill takes a toll mentally and its extremely difficult to overcome the emotions.  Its easy to put a smile on your face when your hiding so much inside.  Gastroparesis is horrible to begin with but having the support from others will always be needed.  The emotional support goes a long way. When I found out I had Gastroparesis,  I had an emotional breakdown.  It took me a couple of days before I even told my brothers and sisters that I had a stomach disease with no cure.  It took me awhile to face up to my reality. Many individuals who have Gastroparesis become so depressed, some even attempted to take their own life due to the emotional stress this disease causes.  Some individuals loose their loved ones, husband/wife/siblings because it causes stress in the relationships, making them to not want to deal with a sick loved one.  We know its stressful for everyone who is close to us but turning your back is worst thing to do.  We depend on stability since our bodies aren't stabile anymore.  I tend to rely so much on my boyfriend.  He can read me like a book.  Knows when I am hurting even when I don't express it verbally or try to hide the pain from everyone.  It still surprises me that he decided to stay with me even after finding out I had Gastroparesis.  It shows true love and dedication.  I know without him I would be lost.  Don't get me wrong I still get depressed and have emotional breakdowns.  However, I have made a promise to myself, to never allow this disease to take over my spirit. 

I am not sure if I am jumping the gun here but I had a problem the other night while out with my family.  I know Domperidone has side effects like all drugs do.  Last night my heart wildly palpitated to the point to where I saw black for a second.  I haven't contacted my doctor yet.  When he finds out I am pretty sure he will want me to stop taking domperidone and take another medication.  My doctor only gave me two options, either take a medication that is not FDA approved but has less side effects or take the other that is FDA approved and have more side effects that could make your life harder.  Well needless to say I requested the one that isn't FDA approved, mainly because I didn't want more symptoms than what I already had.  I really don't like the thought of going under the knife again and having surgery but I will be asking my doctor if I quality for a stomach stimulator since he suggested it our last visit.

Another concern I have is I have missed a couple of months of my menstrual cycle.  I don't know if it has to do with my Hashimoto Thyroiditis, precancerous cells have returned, malnutrition. or if there is anything else major going on.  I know one thing I have extreme discomfort on a daily basis.  Why does it feel like my body is falling apart!  I need to make appointments with different doctors to find answers, just finding the time for it all will be a struggle.  Until then, I will continue to pray. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye -
                                                                Antoine de Saint.   
What the future holds is unknown.  Times when you are weak and weary can make the end of day seem so far away.  Holding onto strength as if there is no tomorrow.  Praying for each breath you take not to be your last.  As I sit and ponder over every little detail, I wonder how I'm going to be able to live this way.  It is my disease that is invisible to the naked eye.  One wonders how can she be sick when she doesn't look it.  If you knew the worry, frustration, sadness, guilt, pain, discomfort, you would ask yourself, how can I go on. 
He who conceals his disease can not expect to be cured - Ethiopian Proverb  
I certainly try, there is no doubt.  Truth be known there is no cure.  Some days are extremely bad, good days are a true blessing.  I never take anything for granted.  Living another day is a true blessing. 
I never really understood why so many Gastroparesis patients went to the ER for problems instead of going to their doctor, until I needed help.  It's usually one to two months wait to see a Gastrologist.  With Gastroparesis even though its a guessing game, the outcome on how the day turns out could very well be one ending at the ER.  Recently I have encountered a new symptom that has me extremely concerned.  After receiving advice and internet research, I learned that when I have a strong attack, my body goes into slight shock.  I will have extreme vomiting, loose control of my bowels, extreme abdominal pain, dizziness, heart rate will increase and my body will shake tremendously.  Its hard on our fragile system to vomit violently.  There have been many times I have almost passed out.  Most fainting is triggered by the vagus nerve.  It connects the digestive system to the brain and it's job is to manage blood flow to the gut.  My vagus nerve was damaged which is the reason why I have Gastroparesis.  Blood doesn't flow well into my stomach.  Therefore when I vomit sometimes my vagus nerve overreacts and causes blood to pull too much from my brain which causes fainting and/or dizzy spells.  It has become a weekly event for me to have a strong attack.  Usually I just hurt and deal with the regular symptoms.  My next doctors appointment isn't until the end of April.  I will be requesting for tests to see if I can be approved for a stomach stimulator.  Until then I will continue doing what I'm doing, hope for the best and pray I don't pass out.